The Righteous Tale of Chiune Sugihara
by: Schvach Yid

For the Holocaustphile in you, here’s a story of a Japanese diplomat who did his best (and best is the right word) to help rescue Lithuanian Jews from the oncoming slaughter by the Nazis, in 1940, to be accessed at:
http://www.eagleman.com/sugihara/
and http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0XPQ/is_2000_Feb_28/ai_59817625/

Schvach Rambles
by: Schvach Yid


So what else is new? The diagnosis is in: Bob Dylan suffers from Leonard Cohen Syndrome.

Thanks to Gail at Rubicon 3, I’ve just learned that Robert (the Jew) Zimmerman has
released a CD of homespun (I guess) Christmas carols. I wish these guys in the entertainment field would make up their minds already about their religious convictions. Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Cat Stevens, Madonna (now there’s a good one!), and G-d knows who else among the ‘famousos’.

I don’t get it. I have no problem with my religion, so what do they have with theirs?

Once upon a time the people over at Star Trek came out with another movie, this one with Christopher Lloyd portraying a Clingon or Romulan (no, not Rahm Emanuel) who manages to con Admiral (I think) James T. Kirk into dropping his defenses in a faux peace maneuver, and then blitzing the Starship Enterprise . In the end Kirk pulls a maneuver of his own and cooks Lloyd’s character (have I gotten it right so far?).

Perhaps this scenario of Hollywood fiction should cause the Israelis to wake up. A number of responses, as well as outcomes, present themselves, and so Bibi, choose wisely, not poorly (as the archaic knight cautions Indiana Jones in the third installment of the IJ trilogy).

Here are four distractions which present some of the choices from which Bibi and his countrypersons can choose. Chatz l’chah! Of course, there’s always winning. Perhaps the Israelis should consider that option.

So,What’s a ‘Shiksa’ Already?

by: Schvach Yid

What’s in a word indeed? Whenever I encounter this moniker, in print or verbally - to my face that is - I cringe. It’s not really an up welling of Jewish guilt, but rather the sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach anticipation of a clenched fist flying through the air and alighting unto my face with greatest of ease that motivates my avoidance of this time-honored Yiddishism. Afterall, jadies and jents, a female’s clenched fist (or some well executed Bruce Lee-style footwork , for that matter) can do plenty of damage.

The term ‘shiksa’, according to an old article that appeared in Moment Magazine, is derived from the Hebrew work ‘shekkets’, meaning abominable or disgusting. I never use this term, and thank G-d so far at least, no one has ever confronted me with the demand for an explanation concerning this breach in inter-group diplomacy.

I work in a sea of ‘shiksas’, and there’s nothing disgusting about them, at least in my opinion. I do find their tattoos a bit too much to take, but I take solace in the fact that they are the ones tattooed and not I. Oh yeah, their verbiage. ‘It’s a real blessing….’ is a wee bit difficult for me to handle, but after more than two decades of American Southern Bible Belt living, I may be on the road to acclimation (but regrettably, never recovery).

Now then, when I was a lad in college, we student were ‘blessed’ (get it?) with science courses complete with laboratory sections, and in that now dated spirit, I offer an on-line version of ‘Shiksa Lab’, some visual examples of just what the average klafta means when his/her sonny boy brings home the wrong kind of girl to meet the family, and s/he – his parent(s) – let/s loose with that all time Jewish favorite of verbal flatus, ‘shiksa’.

Assisting in this effort is the 2009 edition of the annual Oktoberfest held in Munich, Germany. The photos herein presented are the unwitting donations of the on-line edition of Der Stern magazine.

If I have managed to offend anyone, please forgive me.

So, just what is a 'shiksa' already?

A 'Shiksa' sine quo non,

Home Coming Queen
runner up

Shiksa Homecoming Queen

No, besides, she's promised

to convert

Shiksas without tznius

(modesty)



A beer lover's idea

of shiksas

A shiksa union meeting

Asian Pacific Rim

females are never

shiksas

you haven't

been paying

attention

probably

No, but the blond

behind him is

a Mossad agent

does Oktoberfest

'

'shiksa' doesn't

mean 'bitch'

Chag Succoth Sameach!!!!!

Taking the Bait – Again
by: Schvach Yid

Please forgive me for sounding a bit like Tokyo Rose of World War Two fame, but this
business of Israel going up against Iran’s burgeoning nuclear weapons industry has me a bit concerned.

(photo above: bombed-out Tokyo, 1945)

My psycho-fantasy goes something like this:
Israel takes out Iran’s nuclear weapons manufacturing capability and stock. Iran, however, has an arsenal of a few thousand

missiles, each equipped with conventional warheads,

capable of reaching Israel. Iran uses Israel’s pre-emptive

attack against its nuclear weapons force as its justification for launching a retaliatory strike against Israel with its thousand-fold conventional-grade missiles. In a single day Israel is reduced to rubble.

Sounds stupid? Just remember the Second World War. We all recall the death and utter destruction wreaked by the atomic bomb blasts over Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Do we recall the death and utter destruction wreaked by the saturation bombing campaigns against the cities of Tokyo, Berlin, Dresden, Cologne, Hamburg, London, and Coventry? Have we forgotten just how much havoc can be wrought by conventional weapons?

Ahmadinawhats may not be so stupid. He may have succeeded in jockeying Israel into a no win situation. Just how large is Israel, and just how many conventional bomb blasts would be needed to render Israel functionally dead?

As far as I know (which is not very much, at least concerning this topic), Israel still lacks the capability of intercepting incoming missiles after they have completed their ‘boost phase’. As far as I know, no country has a defense system that can achieve that, and so where does that leave Israel?

Tzom Kippurim indeed.

photo of bombed-out Berlin, May 1945

Attention All Converts and Would
Be Converts To Judaism
by: Schvach Yid

Please catch this on-line radio cast from the Arutz Sheva web site of Israel National News:


http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Radio/News.aspx/1350

Window Shopping Hevron
by: Schvach Yid

There’s a problem (no kidding) when Jews spit three times after mentioning Zionism.

The hat in the hand routine hasn’t worked, and never will. The lady at the Bagelnosher
blog site has posted a doozy, at:
http://bagelnosher.blogspot.com/2009/08/sixth-fatah-conference-finally-ended-on.html
on this very Israeli phenomenon. Well, actually, her post isn’t about Israeli intransigence in their political capitulation to Arab and American demands concerning the current Jewish ‘occupation’ of the Jewish Homeland, but rather a scathing synopsis of the Palestinian Arabs’ continued intransigence toward Zionism.

We all know what happens to anyone who straddles a fence and stays there; evidently, the Israelis don’t, so here is more of Schvach’s ‘wisdom’ concerning Israel’s ‘foreign policy’ in the administration of its own turf. It’s really simple, and goes something like this:

When Obama and his Wurdulaks (verdilaks) tell the Israelis to limit Jewish procreation in Israel, the Israeli government should reply by offering cash incentives to all Jews living in Israel to make more Jewish babies, and I don’t mean tax breaks – I mean cash in hand. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, and lots of money for each Jewish baby born into a Jewish family in Israel. Racist? Nicht für der Araber? You betchaya.

When Obama and his enemies (like, hey, he said he keeps his enemies closer than his friends) instruct the Israelis to limit/close Jewish settlements in YESHA, the Israeli government should respond by building more Jewish settlements there, and should offer major cash incentives to any and all Jews to settle there. While they’re at it, Israel should build a Jews-only city in YESHA, and name it Medina Ilit, in memory of the Jews of Medina who were slaughtered by the vampire of Islam, Mohammed and his rabble. (On a truly personal note, I consider Hitler – may his name and moustache rot for all time – to have been the reincarnate of Islam’s prophet Mohammad; just compare the Nazi shooting of Jews along the precipice of mass graves to Islam’s celebration of ‘Banu Quraiza’ or ‘Battle of the Ditch’ – they’re revoltingly alike).

Lastly, do not close any checkpoints, and extend ‘the wall’. Piss ‘em off and kiss ‘em off, and if it’s war they want, then please oblige the Arabs in no uncertain terms.

Well, this is how Schvach commemorates the past slaughters of Jews in Hevron – may we never forget, and for more, please access Jonathan Mark’s piece at:
http://bestjewishnewsny.com/2009/08/19/hebron-80-years-after/.

What Treaty?
by: Schvach Yid

Or an international agreement? Call it a ‘joint communiqué’; call it whatever you like.

Hitler and Stalin signed a ‘mutual nonaggression pact’ – big deal.
President Richard Nixon flew to China and agreed to ‘hand over’ Taiwan to the Mainland Chinese government. On his way back to Washington, associates of Nixon aboard Air Force One later reported that Nixon quipped ‘they got Taiwan; all we got were egg rolls’. No sooner were his feet planted back on terra firma than the deal was dumped by the American administration in Washington.

Israel needs to learn, and quickly. There’s not much time, and self-absorbed ‘intellectual’
ruminations will be ruinous. Self-indulgent pedantry will turn out to be suicidal. That street artist who currently occupies the Oval Office of the White House is no chump; he knows exactly what he’s doing. Regrettably, the Israelis never have, and the current offerings by the contributors to Arutz Sheva appear to announce a premature defeat of Israel.

I’ve dealt with the psycho-pressures foisted by the dominators and manipulators in the
American workplace. G-d help the employee who replies by looking the person in the face and saying ‘no’. (And they ‘target’; one can’t run away. Their associates will be waiting for you upon your arrival at your new place of refuge.)

Bibi and Co. need to do just that. They need to forget about the threat of sanctions and the repeal of foreign aid agreements; they need to forget about Oslo, Wye, Road Maps, etc. The Arabs have come up with nothing; they have never conceded a thing, not even recognition of the Jewish State of Israel, and why in the first place should that constitute a concession?

Just what do the Arabs have against the existence of a Jewish State? That’s an easy one – just read the Koran; the answer is all over the thing (you’re right, I don’t ‘respect’ Islam and its Koran – have you ever read the Koran?).

If the Arabs/Moslems, Obama included, don’t want a Jewish State in the Jewish Holy Land, then there’s nothing to talk about. Hasn’t Hosnei Mubarak ever heard of The United Arab Republic? Who the hell does he think he’s kidding?

Jews can’t build in YESHA, but Israel can’t segregate the Black Moslem itinerants who’ve wandered into The Jewish State from Sudan? Very nice. Some President.

Some – or many – complain that we Jews are arrogant. ‘Just who do you think you are?’,
they’ll accuse. ‘Just where do you people come off being so conceited?’, they’ll assert.
Okay, how about this: one third of everyone in the world worships a dead Jew. Have you ever heard of a musical named ‘Jesus Christ, Superstar? Another one quarter of the world’s human population adheres to their own rewrite of the Hebrew Bible. In total that’s something like half of all people in existence who run after us. So who do we think we are? I dunno, perhaps those others should answer their own question. Those very same people stand against the existence of a Jewish State, and not just in the Jewish Holy Land, jadies and jents. They don’t want us – period.

Just what the hell do they have against the existence of a Jewish State? What is their objection to the Jewish homeland in that miniscule geographic fingernail clipping of land that holds no natural resources, no indigenous wealth, its only value is that it’s ours, just as are The Hebrew Bible, the Jewish ‘Savior’ of Christianity, and Islam’s pitiful piece of scriptural plagiarism? It’s called Jew hatred jadies and jents, and we can’t negotiate our way out of that.

Who do we think we are? I work in the academic biomedical research field as a lab technician. I don’t know one doctoral-level researcher who doesn’t want to be awarded a Nobel Prize. I have never met any academic who didn’t want to be awarded a Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize was created by a Jew – Alfred Nobel. HaShem created us and commanded us, but the non-Jews of the world have made us, and it’s these very same people who dump all over us. They keep running after us, and they want to know who the hell do we think we are.

Israel has to learn that no concession will work, that appeasement doesn't work, and that their current imperative is to not concede to the present American administration. Say NO!

We Jews, who claim to be the smartest people in existence have to stop being so fucking stupid. Nationalism demands balls – big brass ones that clang when one walks. Just look what they have accomplished for the American ‘Negro’.

Eishes Chayil
by: Schvach Yid


My thanks to Aliza Hausman of the Memoires of a Jewminicana blog site for pointing my nose to this video. I enjoy the presentations of Allison Josephs, author and creator of the Jew in the City blog site. No praise of Jewish women is sufficient, so enjoy her vid:



My appreciation of motherhood goes way back to my childhood (of course), so here is a blast from my past, the paradigm of effective mothering, and her little charge who is pretty much what I was about:






Good Shabbos, and please don't forget to sing Eishes Chayil to the Jewish women seated at your Shabbos table.

The Conflicting Demands of Life
by: Schvach Yid

Aliza Hausman, author and founder of the Memoirs of a Jewminicana blog site, found at
http://www.alizahausman.net/, writes about the phenomena of conversion to Judaism, racism, and ‘fittting in’, ie, can a Catholic Latina convert to Judaism find true happiness
as a Catholic Latina convert to Judaism?

It’s okay Aliza, you’re welcome as a member of the tribe – anytime, and besides, Halacha forbids referring to you, or any other convert to Judaism, as a convert because, as you certainly know, once the conversion has been achieved, the individual is no longer a convert but a Jew. I’m glad you’re in our community.

In recent blogs Aliza has tangled with the age old contest between the demands of life (Darwinian evolution) versus the demands of social comportment (Western religion), but no, she hasn’t framed the conflict in these terms, but rather has discussed her paternal lineage, and specifically the conjugation habits of her first and second generational paternal antecedents.

I suppose there exist several well established and known responses by casual observers to this disparity between established Western mores and the advantages provided by ‘nature’ (and after all, nature is G-d’s creation, isn’t it?).

The average everyday run-of-the-mill social worker type of person, undoubtedly socially and politically Liberal, will shed tears and exsanguinate love over the trials and tribulations of ‘those who just don’t know any better’. Garbage! We all know better.

The other sort of socially and politically distracted individual, let’s call this type ‘Conservative’, will call for the public immolation of any and all who dare to ‘debase’ the holy rite of human procreation to the level of sport and entertainment. More garbage!

Lastly, there are the academic Biology-inclined. Genetics calls this phenomenon ‘heterosis’. The animal husbandry crowd – you know, farmers, ranchers, horticulturists (plants, not animals) etc. – call it ‘hybrid vigor’.

The fact is that the more genetic recombination events that take place, ie., the greater number of partners with whom one generates offspring, the better the genetic health of the offspring population. Multiple combinations of parents provides for an increased diversity (I hate that pc term) of the gene pool of a given population of organism. This hold true for humans as well as for any other sexually reproducing species (I know, I know, human, ie., Homo, is a genus, not a species).

But, of course, as we all know, it makes for bad civics, at least in Western societies, and this in the face of the obvious disparity between the requirements stipulated in the Chumash concerning this matter and HaShem’s creation of a sexual reproductive system that benefits from those human behaviors that are forbidden by Halacha (but not in the case of Avraham Avenu, Yaakov Avenu, etc.).



It also makes for lousy religious communal relations. Talk about ostracization!

So, should one be miffed if one learns of such socially ‘condemnable’ behaviors by members of one’s family, or instead should one find a measure of pride in the fact that one’s generation has been genetically strengthened – that the state of health of the population has benefited, that in fact, the ‘nasty’ philanderers have behaved with a great measure of social responsibility, rather than with socially ‘condemnable’ behavior, by improving the state of health of the following generations, despite the obvious social challenges presented to the resulting children (eg., growing up in the absence of a father, the possible lack of adequate financial support for the children, etc.).

Whether it’s Darwin versus established religion, or whether it’s self-flagellation is manna for debate, but it’s okay Aliza, you know ‘better’. Just live your life as a good Jew. Your
devotion to Torah, and to Clal Yisroel and its health through genetic variation (a good Darwinian term), is much appreciated, at least by me. Besides, spice is good for everyone.

A Bissele Moslem Shiur
by: Schvach Yid


If you’re in the mood for a little Moslem shiur, here’s a mini-lecture without
video, in which the speaker explains that Islam’s second holiest city, Medina, was Jewish centuries before the arrival of the founder of Islam.




And if you’re like me and can’t wait until Bastille Day, here’s a little something
to remind us that the French didn’t invent decapitation, they just tried to refine it
a little, and how Islam put it to use against the Jews of Medina.



Lastly, here’s a piece shown on the World Focus website at:
http://worldfocus.org/blog/2009/02/04/immigrants-and-religions-redefine-israeli-society/3914/, courtesy of A Deeper Look blog site, showing just what Moslems have against the Jewish State of Israel.

Found – One Pair of Cojonas
By: Schvach Yid


If you want to read the text of Israel PM Netanyahu’s speech delivered earlier today, it can be accessed at: http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/131865, and at:
http://www.forzionssake.net/2009/06/transcript-of-netanyahus-speech.html


Needles to say, the Palestinian Arab leadership will never accept these terms; needless to say, this is exactly what Israel’s PM intended. Lob the ball into their court and let it stay there – end of game, and it’s been nothing but a game by the Arab enemies of Israel.
There is no way for Israel to have peace via negotiations with it’s intransigent enemies., and accordingly, the status quo is probably Israel’s best choice, except for the very much needed acceptance of Israeli ‘settlers’ on the ‘West Bank’ by Israel’s government, and some very real military responses to the continued Arab aggression against the Jewish citizens of Israel.

And from the Atlas Shrugs blog site, this contribution to all the on-line analyses of Bibi’s speech (which can be read at: http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2009/06/netanyahu-the-man-in-the-arena-did-not-disappoint.html):

- To me he was saying that the kind of state the Palestinians want is not on the table and not on the horizon.

- Then I checked out FoxNews. And then the Figaro: “Netanyahu accepts the principle of a Palestinian state.” And finally, the Jerusalem Post. Our friend Aryeh Eldad said it too. Netanyahu crossed the red line. All the conditions he set forth will be forgotten, the only thing that will be remembered is that he agreed on the principle of a Palestinian state.

And what of CNN? ‘Israel accepts a Palestinian State’. But the Arabs will, of course, never accept Netanyahu’s terms - voilà

It’s Midrash to the Rescue
by: Schvach Yid


Once a year, every year, I hear the reading of the Megilla on Purim. I know I should hear it twice, but I’m too lazy to go back to schul for a second reading. For a week or two preceding Purim I read the text of the Book of Ester, as well as portions of Midrash Rabbah Esther.

Regrettably, I must have missed something.

So, enter the author and owner of the Bagelnosher blog site, a woman ensconced in Be’er Sheva whose identity is unknown to me. She has provided me with a modicum of enlightenment with a recent blog, found at:
http://bagelnosher.blogspot.com/2009/06/timely-tale-of-palace-intrigue-and-why.html

It’s a lengthy piece, so get comfortable (according to Tzvi Fishman, author of the ‘From Hollywood to the Holy Land’ blog on Arutz Sheva, there’s a nice Etrog liqueur made in Israel…).

Pro-Israel Jewish bloggers and on-line reporters are hot and heavy in their concerted condemnation of our President’s dealings with Israel and with the Moslem world. I’m perplexed and dumbfounded at the analyses of Prez Obama’s spiel concerning Israel. If he really does have it in for the Jewish State, then, G-d willing, Bibi Netanyahu will muster the koach to say no and ‘do the right thing’. Brass cajones are difficult to come by; Israel certainly used to express them, but alas, that was a long time ago, at least by modern Israeli history standards.

Doing the right thing entails several components. First, the various and sundry elements that comprise the Israeli government will have to discover a new element of mental function. It’s called ‘unity’. They should try it; they’ll like it. It provides the soil for a new sort of experience in Israeli national life. It’s called winning, and by winning I don’t mean a quick military victory followed by an even faster capitulation to an imposed cease fire, which in turn is followed by an almost instantaneous surrender of all that has been gained. Remember, the Jew haters are loathe to see Jews as winners. ‘Who the hell do you people think you are; you’re supposed to lose, remember?’

Actually, no, we don’t remember the bit about some fantasized obligation to lose.

Secondly - and please forgive this criticism jadies and jents - we Jews, and especially Israelis, have to start acting as though we mean what we verbally assert. Once upon a time at least some of us were persistent. Back then, the Jew haters cat-called such Yiddin ‘pushy’, a term I last heard applied to a Jewish saleswoman by a Jew hater at work (she, the Jew hater, was my boss) somewhere between 1995 and ’96.

If we believe the Land of Israel is ours, then we have to conduct ourselves accordingly. That means no negotiation about the so called ‘West Bank; you know, YESHA. There, we build - period. No new ‘Palestinian’ city in the ‘West Bank’. A couple of new Jewish cities, along with a few dozen new Jewish towns would be very nice, and no Jewish ‘settlers’ are to dwell in mobile whatchamahoozits – I think the Israelis call them ‘Caravellas’; in Arab literature, I think they were called ‘Caravanserai’ (just kidding; besides, it’s French, not Arabic). When we Jews are told ‘no’, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to get chutzpadik and do precisely as we wish - and then fight back, in no uncertain terms, to win (but they hate us as winners).

Lastly, no Jewish army in Israel, whether military or law enforcement agency, is to assault or attack Jews. We are not to use the Israeli military to oust Jews from their homes because of some lousy and fraudulent ‘peace negotiation’. Aside from being the wrong thing to do, it looks stupid, and there’s no Nobel Prize awarded for stupidity. We all know how fond we Jews are of Nobel Prizes; after all, we invented them, didn’t we.

Israel has a bad habit of emulating the United States. YESHA in 2009 is not Little Rock Arkansas in 1957. The Palestinian Arab Moslem Jew haters of today have nothing in common with the victimized American ‘Negro’ of half a century ago, and Israelis are not ranting racists. In 1948 we Jews said yes; it was the Arab Moslems who said no, and it was the Arab Moslems, and the Iranian Moslems, who prevailed upon Jew-hating Britain to keep European Jews from fleeing the onslaught of the ‘Nazi swine’ by preventing our immigration to Britain’s Mandate of Palestine. Let’s keep the facts straight folks.

One last item - those shoes in the photo of the Prez. You’d think the ‘guy’ (Michelle’s term for him) could afford a new pair of shoes. At the very least he should get resoled (get it?).

Well, that’s all folks! See what a little midrash shiur can do to an amateur critic?

S A for Olim Hadashim
by: Schvach Yid


I just read a post by Ruti Mizrachi; it can be accessed at: http://rutimizrachi.blogspot.com/2009/05/farewell-to-land-of-free.html

It’s about the essay she submitted in satisfaction of the requirement for making aliyah via the aegis of Nefesh B’Nefesh. I previously posted about Nefesh B’Nefesh in the past, criticizing their small success in attracting new olim.

This organization requires all applicants to submit an essay explaining their decision to make aliya. Well, suppose I applied for aliyah via Nefesh B’Nefesh, but refused to submit an essay. What then?

Suppose I decided to be compliant and submit one. What would I write in the essay?
I want to live in Israel. Why? Because! Because I’m Jewish. Because being Jewish in Israel is normative. Because in Israel, Jewish holidays/holydays are official National holidays. Because in Israel, as a Jew, I wouldn’t be considered a freak. Because there I could daven anywhere I wished and not be harassed or abused (baloney). Because there kashrut is common and relatively easy to keep. Because in Israel, as a Jew, I wouldn’t be considered a source of antagonism to the non-Jews in my workplace.

Suppose I decided to protest the essay requirement. Easy, do aliyah without Nefesh B’Nefesh. Why an essay; am I a convert? Do I need to appeal to a beit din for permission to live in Israel as a citizen? Am I a child in school? Has it occurred to the people who organize and manage Nefesh B’Nefesh that if they stopped dealing with their applicants as school children they might have better results in attracting new olim? ‘Eeeehhhh…., but we only want young people and families with young children’. I hope that’s not the case. Maybe they want letters of recommendation to boot. ‘Are you, a Jew, good enough to make aliyah? We take only the best, you know’.

On the other hand, the essay may be a requirement imposed by the Israeli government. One can’t ‘run’ the Jewish State stating that the Jewish State will practice exclusion in its
immigration and absorption practices as applied to Jews. That’s a wee bit dumb.

I think I'll stay here.

I’m Late, I’m Late, I’m Late for an Important Date
by: Schvach Yid

My apology is extended to Mr. Lewis Carroll for thieving his line, but I missed blogging in time for Yom Yerushalayim. It’s not that I forgot – no way – but I couldn’t get to a computer. So what can I possibly say, ‘Go ask Alice’?

So with my great regret, here is my belated Yom Yerushalayim post. It’s about Naomi Shemer, the composer of Yerushalayim Shel Zahav – Jerusalem of Gold, the almost national anthem of the Jewish State of Israel. She wrote this ditty of a Jewish folk masterpiece on the eve of the Six Day War. As I’ve written before, Shemer was Israel’s Churchill of the Six Day War. She provided the spiritual catalyst that sped Jewish youth into battle to win Jewish repatriation with the Jewish City of Jerusalem; to win Jerusalem back from those who detest us. Our city of gold, the city of King David, perched atop Mt. Zion, our geographic aron kodesh above which hovers the Holy Shechinah.

In tribute to Naomi Shemer, who died in June 2004, I offer these renditions of her masterpiece. The first is performed by a young Shuly Natan who is the singer who gave the first public performance of Jerusalem of Gold just prior to the onset of the June ’67 war; however, shortly before that, the composer was interviewed by David Ben Gurion, during which Shemer auditioned the piece. The interview was audio taped and played on Israeli radio years later, sometime in the mid 1980’s, while I was visiting Israel. This, in fact, might be the first ‘public’ performance of Yerushalayim Shel Zahav.

The second video is of a Russian men’s chorus performing the piece a cappella. For those who may be critical of Russian Jewish immigration to Israel, this rendition may provide food for second thought. They absolutely slay the men’s pilgrims’ chorus from Tannhauser (not Jewish in the extreme), although they do sing ‘Halleluyah’ (very Jewish).

The third is a clip from Shindler’s List (did you know that the original title of Thomas Keneally’s book was Shindler’s Ark?). When I first saw the movie, the Shemer song didn’t just bring tears to my eyes; my tears literally shot out – projectile lacrimation! This was only the second time in my life I’ve wept at a movie; I won’t mention the first flick – it’s too embarrassing (okay, okay, it was the conclusion of The Ghost and Mrs. Muir; what can I say?).

I’m an absolute chauvinist about Judaism and my Jewish identity, and an absolute sucker for Jewish bravura.

Talk about absolute, the absolute best biography I’ve ever read was about Naomi Shemer, written by my number one journalistic writer, Jonathan Mark of The New York Jewish Week. His biography of Shemer was written for that paper’s May 31 1996 edition; regrettably, I can’t find it online and so I can’t post a link, although I saved the article as a clipping.

I first heard Yerushalayim Shel Zahav on the El Al flight from New York to Tel Aviv, on the plane’s overhead, as the plane descended on its final approach. It was perfect propaganda – I loved it, and still do.

Why are we in Jerusalem? Because it’s ours, and has been from the very start, and we don’t owe anyone an explanation concerning the matter.

Here they are:

My Old Man Died
by: Schvach Yid


Today, the 25th day of the Hebrew month of Iyar, the 40th day of the counting of the Omer, shortly after 1pm, ‘our time’. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. He was 87 years old.

He became comatose and bedridden two weeks ago, and then died, all following a stroke he suffered 4 and a half years ago.

He was not religious, but identified intensely as a Jew, a German Jew, who had been dealt a lousy blow by his lousy, non-Jewish, countrymen. He went through Kristallnacht,
the night of November 9th, 1938; thank G-d, the Nazi thugs were unable to break down the front door of the family home, but the next day he witnessed his non-Jewish countrymen march his father off to the concentration camp in Sachsenhausen. Baruch HaShem, his parents had family and friends in the United States who had emigrated from Germany only a few years earlier, who cared enough to provide the necessary affidavits which in turn provided for the required immigration visas to the United States. His father, and everyone else, were permitted to leave.

His American citizenship came with a price. He was drafted in the US Army and was subsequently sworn as a citizen only after completing basic training. No free lunch.

As a child he missed his own bar mitzvah, thanks to a bout of Scarlet Fever, so he learned the haftorah to another parshah and did his family proud.

I know I shouldn’t blog now, but I have to, so here is his ‘obit’. In tribute to my Dad, I offer a photo of him during his Army service on Guadalcanal during the Second World War.

May he have the merit to be counted among the souls of Israel.

The Continuing Saga of the Wisdom of Vienna Mike
by: Schvach Yid

According to ‘Vienna Mike’, a frequent pointedly opinioned commenter to Reb Tzvi Fishman’s blog From Hollywood to the Holy Land which appears on the Israel National News web site Arutz Sheva, the Obama administration has recently passed through Congress a bill that provides 20+ million dollars for the emigration of Hamas /Palestinian refugees of the Gazan War from Gaza for settlement in the United States.

I hope it’s true. I don’t care what sort of ‘security risk’ those people pose for the United States. I don’t give a damn how socially disruptive those people may be for Americans.
I much prefer to see those people over here than over there.

Why? Because no one in the United States will put up with Moslem Arab terrorism in the United States. The UN will never object to American law enforcement agencies ‘going after’ law-breaking Moslem terrorists. By contrast, Israel is told to put up with them. The Jews of Israel are obligated to accept the murderous tirades and recidivist Jew hatred foisted by those people. And if they’re over here, then they’re not over there – in Israel.
A Mechaiya!

I have a satisfying remedy for coping with those new, soon to be, immigrants to America.
Settle the whole bunch ‘down here’ where I live, in this sun-drenched and humidity-plagued corner of America’s Bible Belt. One of the numerous local churches has recently erected a cross – you know, of the crucifixion variety. It’s a mere 150 feet tall. It glistens white in the American South’s sunshine. It manages to ‘cast a giant shadow’ (sorry Mickey Marcus). I walk out of my local supermarket, and there it is. I drive out of my bank’s parking lot, and there it is. I drive home from my dentist’s office, and there it is. My new neighbors will love it – I am sure.

So why not? Pack ‘em up, the poor devils. Send them over – please. There’s lots of empty land ‘down here’ – lebensraum for those Hamas-loving, Jew-hating, Palestinians. Let them live under the boot for a change, in the land of ‘infidel’ proselytizers, in the land of pick-up trucks and Second Amendment rights.

I hope it’s true.

Yom HaShoah
by: Schvach Yid


I’ve just been treated to a déja vu, courtesy of Isaac Steven Herschkopf and The New York Jewish Week, at: http://www.thejewishweek.com/viewArticle/c36_a15468/News/New_York.html.

My maternal grandparents had cousins and friends who lived in Washington Heights, located in the northern section of Manhattan. All were Holocaust refugees; a few were survivors. The celebrated chochum (chochamah?) of sex, Dr. Ruth Westheimer (http://www.germanheritage.com/biographies/mtoz/westheimer.html) herself a survivor of the Holocaust, continues to reside in the neighborhood.

The refugees/survivors of Hitler’s homicidal tirade really did accept their lives as they were, tattooed numbers, memories, and all. They were as much heroes as victims. Have a read.

Shavua Tov, Y’all!
by: Schvach Yid


Here’s what I do like about Britain:




And here is a little love letter to Iran and its hero Ahmedwhat’shisname:

The History of ‘British Palestine’ Revisited
by: Schvach Yid


Thanks to Victor Sharpe, who has posted an article on Arutz Sheva titled
Forced to Concede a Birthright?, which can be found at:
http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Article.aspx/8713, where he provides a link to yet another of his synopses on the history of Britain’s maneuverings concerning Jewish
aspirations over the former British Mandate of Palestine, at:
http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/03/the_two_state_solution_is_87_y.html.

Britain. Lovely. I think I’ve written enough about my opinions concerning Britain and its long-standing contempt for us Jews. Say no more – go and read.

I hope you all had a ‘yoffie’ great Pesach; I did (I didn’t run into one British governmental official during the entire chag, nor should I have - they’re rather rare down here in America’s Bible Belt).

A Rebuttal from a Blogger
by: Schvach Yid


Rickismom has taken exception to an article (and I assume at least one blog posting) about a recent trip undertaken by a group of Amish to the Lubavitchers at 770, in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. You can read it at:
http://beneaththewings.blogspot.com/2009/04/amish-and-orthodox-2-worlds.html

‘Both groups tend to be either looked down upon, or treated as a joke, without the outside viewer taking the time to look beyond their preconceived assumptions.And, as a final note, I add that this last statement is also true as regards the world of the intellectually challenged, and the disabled.’

Ouch!!!!! And I thought humor was a sign of high intelligence. I think I’d better clean up my act. Do you think any Amish have read it; after all, it is online?

The matter of where to ‘draw the line’ evidently applies to both religious groups (as well as to me). The practical applications of Halacha range far and wide. There exists a considerable fund of rabbinical rulings on, for example, Muktzah – those items and activities forbidden on Shabbos. At what point has one succeeded in ridding one’s home, and especially kitchen, of chametz? I don’t cover my kitchen sink with aluminum foil, nor do I wrap my kitchen’s walls with plastic. Have I violated the laws of Pesach by these omissions? My line is drawn in fairly shallow waters.

The Amish, I assume, stay away from computers, and so I assume not even one of the Amish has read the Ynetnews.com article, nor my blog, nor that of Rickismom. Chabad is computer-intensive, but I doubt that many Lubavitchers will have an interest in my blogs.

So my humored curiosity continues. Do the Amish have a concept similar to Muktzah?
If they don’t use phones, or computers, then how do they know about Chabad Lubavitch, and how did they find the location of Lubavitch World Headquarters in Brooklyn? How did they travel there, etc.?

I don’t think a person has to be ‘intellectually challenged’ to scratch his noggin.

Oh yeah, Chag Pesach Sameach.

Here it is Folks
by: Schvach Yid


Ynetnews.com has a news post that’s sort of amusing: Amish Tour Haredi Brooklyn Neighborhood. Actually, in this country, they’re called frum, not hareidi, and the community, to be specific, is Lubavitch - nu, who else does Jewish outreach as well?.

This, of course, was not a campaign of Jewish outreach, but rather (I guess) an attempt at good inter-community relations.

I wonder how the Amish traveled from Lancaster PA. to Brooklyn, NY. It’s a long horse and buggy ride. I don’t think they fly. Buses? Back home, it’s definitely horse and buggies.

Every so often my brother visits the Amish on their home turf in Pennsylvania. He drives, and he’s not Lubavitch.

You can read about it here: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3695558,00.html

This You Call a Profession?
by: Schvach Yid


‘Every person is nervous when he starts a new job’. He knew the year (Moslem calendar) he started ‘work’ as an executioner, but not his age at the time. Let it never be said there’s no comedy in cruelty - ‘Three, four, five, six, there’s nothing to it’. It sort of gives a ring to the Koranic phrase ‘Allah, the merciful, the compassionate’.

Thanks to Ziva for the link; here’s the URL:
http://americanbedu.com/2009/03/18/saudi-arabia-who-is-abdullah-al-bishi/

Schadenfreude
by: Schvach Yid

I grew up in a German-speaking home; my father is German, my mother is from Vienna.
Thank G-d they managed to escape.

During my youth here in America the adults of my family conversed in German. I managed to learn only a few German words and expressions at the dinner table, as examples, ja, nein, shut up (oops, that’s English).

Today, I learned a new German word, a misanthropism – Schadenfreude. It means to take pleasure from another person’s misery. It’s not a very nice sentiment.

I have Si Frumkin to thank for this language lesson; you can read about it at:
http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Article.aspx/5707.

Mr. Frumkin has more on Arutz Sheva at: http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Article.aspx/8664.

Schadenfreude is what the Jew haters derive from the misery they hurl upon us. They laugh with gusto. We slink. The Jewish State of Israel capitulates.

Have you ever heard anyone at the UN refer to Israel as ‘The Jewish State of Israel’? Have you ever heard Israel’s representatives at the UN introduced, as speakers, as the representatives of The Jewish State of Israel? The Islamic Republic of Iran I’ve heard, but never The Jewish State of Israel. Am I wrong?

Like everything else, Schadenfreude can be turned around. When the Moslem Jew haters yell ‘you need a big oven’ at us, it’s just as easy for us to derive satisfaction by replying in kind. Another German ditty, Schweinerei (pig wash) will do nicely.

I know, I know, shouting contests are juvenile and pointless, except that it might provide some Schadenfreude for us at the expense of them. ‘It doesn’t pay’, one might assert. Well, it might – just remember the ditty, ‘make ‘em pay’.

It’s trite, silly. Well, maybe, but The Jewish State of Israel can use the same lesson. Forget the criticisms, just make the bastards pay. The name of the country is The Jewish State of Israel. Its flag has tallis stripes and a Magen David for a reason, and those will stay, just as the flag of South Korea, the country of UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon, displays the Yin Yang symbol. I’ve never heard any objections to the name, flag, language, official state religion, or national anthem of any member nation of the UN, except you know who.

I must thank Si Frumkin for introducing me to this most telling and appropriate word, Schadenfreude, a virtual synonym for Jew hatred, because that’s all Jew hatred is about – it makes no other sense.

The Evangelists of Chelm
by: Schvach Yid


By now it’s widely known among those who surf the ‘Jewish internet’ (sorry) that various book sellers now offer for sale, and in preparation for Passover, a ‘Passover Family Pack’. Well…, that’s its title. The Amazon.com web page for this ditty describes it as Passover Family Pack: Everything You Need to Enjoy a Passover Seder Dinner (Boxed Set: 2 Haggadahs, Preparation Guide, Music & Blessings Cassette, Seder Plate, Kiddush Cup, and Passover Curriculum) (Paperback).

That’s right jadies and jents, a ‘Passover curriculum’. And Rashi thought he had a commentary on the Pesach Haggadah (it used to be available from Kehot, and it was immense). Perhaps it’s a curriculum fit for the Tierra Del Fuego Community College, but undoubtedly, no Jewish home should be with one.

My local Bible Belt Barnes and Noble bookstore has a skinny book stack labeled ‘Judaism’; it’s preceded by a book stack labeled ‘Religious Fiction’, and followed by a stack that displays books on Hinduism and Buddhism. The Borders Bookstore across the road has its Judaism book offerings sandwiched between a book stack labeled ‘Atheism’ and one on Islam. Nice!

Each of these bookstores has several aisles ‘devoted’ to Christian literature, arranged under several different headings. There is, after all, a considerable customer demand for such literature in the geographic location where I reside, but my fellow local Yiddin don’t appear to spend much cash on Jewish-oriented literature in these stores, so in one sense we’re asking for this short shrift (but not for the rudeness appended to it).

But what gets my goad is the appearance of books on Christianity, and books about Christian-oriented Jewish subjects, that are found interspersed among the books about ‘legitimate’ Jewish topics. The message is clear. It’s called proselytizing; after all, ‘they’ think Judaism is next to religious fiction and atheism.

Oh yeah, a nearby church has recently erected a 150 foot-tall cross (thank G-d there's no body
displayed on it). It's white; at night it's illuminated with floodlamps, and it's surrounded by a
pedestrian path garnished with water fountains. It's situated next to an interstate highway.
It's tough to miss. I prefer to daven to HaShem - in private.

Perhaps this very public monument has been established as a reply to the recent influx of hijab-wearing Moslem women (the Moslem men seem to travel incognito) who now populate the local stores.

I'm dizzy; I think I'll take a nap now. Bye.

Back to Darwin
by: Schvach Yid


It’s an argument that just won’t die – Darwin vs G-d. It really ain’t so, but theology types like to believe this is the case, and so they proceed.

A most recent attempt at this old physic has been offered by Rabbi Avi Shafran, in an article posted on the on-line version of Israel National News, Arutz 7. It can be accessed at http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Article.aspx/8633.

Old, dull, enough already.

I’m one of those freaks who has actually read Darwin’s On the Origin of Species (by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for Life) – twice, once in high school (but not for high school), and a second time just a few years ago.

Back in college I learned a valuable lesson from my college professors, a lesson that has been bolstered by graduate school and my experiences in working as a lab technician for university faculty members. It goes something like this: stick to your subject of expertise.

So, if you’re a rabbi, stick with rabbinics. No Ph.D. biologist or physician has ever strayed into the subject of theological evolution (not the evolution of theology) in my experience (except for one paper by the late and great evolutionary geneticist Theodosius Dobzhansky), and so I suggest that rabbis stay clear of Biology.

The account of creation given in the Chumash is brief, to say the least; rabbinical speculation notwithstanding, torah is not about Biology, it’s all about HaShem, and aside from ascribing Biology to HaShem, nothing else about the subject is given.

Darwin, the naturalist, invokes G-d as ‘the Creator’, and ascribes all of life’s ‘wondrous productions’ to the Aybischter. Nowhere, in my non-theologically trained opinion, can one ascribe atheism to his writing. Darwin’s point is simple and straightforward: what we humans do in our gardens, and on our farms and ranches, HaShem does with all life on earth (Remember Jacob under the service of Laban, his mother’s cousin. Do you recall how Jacob manipulated the breeding of sheep?). This is the entire message of his first chapter. The remainder of On the Origin of Species serves as an abstract for an intended much lengthier work which he never produced, and which provides a brief introduction to his collection of data, intended to argue in favor of a theory first propounded by Alfred Russell Wallace, a Darwin contemporary and colleague.


Darwin terms this magnum opus of his ‘an abstract’, and as ‘one long argument’, and for good reason. There is no proof, nor does he claim any, throughout the entire length of the work. It’s an idea backed up by lots of field observation.

If you’re into the philosophy of ‘Darwinian evolution’, and I’m not, you can read Ernst Mayer’s One Long Argument. While you’re at it, one can access, on line, Theodosius Dobzhansky’s Nothing in Biology Makes Sense Except in the Light of Evolution.
As for Rabbi Shafran’s various other assertions, such as Modern Physics’ displacement of classical Newtonian mechanics, just ponder the validity of that notion the next time you cross a bridge, sit in a chair, observe water fall, or observe a Katyusha rocket headed your way. Modern Physics has added to our understanding of the way the universe is put together – information that I have never found in Tanakh – rather than having negated classical mechanics.

Science and theology answer different questions. Science strives to tell us how, when, and where about the various natural events we observe and experience. It even provides a small modicum of an ability to predict, as a consequence of which we can design structures and machines that do the things they are intended to achieve (bridges, computers, jet fighters), not to mention chemistry and medicine. Theology answers the last great question – why. As an undergraduate and graduate school Biology major I was taught that science never even considers to answer the question of why, nor does it claim to. That simply is not science’s turf.

Chag Purim Sameach!

Upcoming Event
by: Schvach Yid

Every Jew knows (hah!) that Purim is next week, so I won’t say anything more about it,
except this: conversion to Judaism is one of my favored topics – I’m a big fan of it, although I oppose proselytizing.

So,? So this: near the conclusion of the Book of Esther, we are told that many Persians joined the Jewish People (close of chapter 8).

No wonder my maternal grandparent’s apartment was covered in Persian rugs (ta da dum).

But here’s something else. On the morning of erev Pesach we are to recite a once in a 28 year cycle blessing, Birkat Hachamah . You can read about it at:
http://forum.kahane.org/index.php?topic=3532.0 and at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birkat_HaHammah.

Davening at the Coattails
by: Schvach Yid



America’s new president has been in office less than two months, a period of time too
brief to allow any development of opinion concerning his public service.

But why worry (What! Me worry?)? All the pre-election speculation about his competence to hold office was for naught; after all, when have we ever had a competent
president?

The Obama wave is disturbing, however. Hype is hype, and emunah is another thing altogether, and when the two are merged…

I’m not a political person, my concerns about the safety and longevity of the Jewish State of Israel aside. I know nothing about politics, public administration, bureaucracy, foreign relations, etc. These matters have never held an interest for me. But the goings on in the American workplace disturbs me greatly, and I’m not referring to the economy.

The federal government after all, at least in one sense, is a workplace.

Perhaps I’ve just signed my death warrant at the hands of the Blogger Gestapo; if not, then the following interview may accomplish just that.

And so, jadies and jents, I offer you the very first, and one time only, interview with Schvach, conducted by Schvach, and may HaShem have rachmonas on us all.

Interviewer: Well Schvach, with all the enthusiasm spawned by the recent election of President Obama, what’s your view of this historic event?

Schvach: I just gave it.


I: The 1983 movie Trading Places starring Eddie Murphy has been invoked by some as a sort of battle cry for the very up and coming, and successful Black middle class in America. What’s your take?

S: Trading places? Perhaps in the forthcoming meeting between Pres. Obama and Britian’s Prime Minister Brown, but that’s about all.


I: Don’t be so cute Schvach! And don’t be so brazen with your answers, lest you receive an unwelcome knock on your door in the middle of the night. Do you have any kind words for the First Lady, Michelle Obama?

S: Well, I don’t know (is that sufficiently contrite?). At a televised meeting with school children she referred to her hubby as ‘this guy’. After having had virtual non-stop indoctrination that such informal expressions of speech are unacceptable, I was surprised to hear her use one with her husband, the new president, especially before a group of school kids. I was glad he didn’t respond by hopping up and down in his chair shouting ‘I am a Black maaannnnn’.


I: What do you think of Michelle?

S: I don’t. But I am curious about the possibility of the First Lady conducting a televised tour of the White House, much as did Jackie Kennedy when she was First Lady.


I: How so?

S: I’d like to see how she redecorates the place. So far, Mr. and Mrs. Prez have trashed a bust of Winston Churchill. But they just moved in so let’s see how things progress. Perhaps they’ll get rid of the bowling alley too; I can’t imagine what will be selected as a replacement.


I: Surely you must have some other views on the First Lady.

S: No, not really; however, I take no small quantity of amusement considering the monikers that some rappers may have already applied to her.


I: Oh shut up!

S: Okay, but it’s your interview.


I: Can’t you muster any respect at all?

S: Respect? Baloney! I’ve been laid off. I have the freedom to hang myself if I choose, so bug off with respect.


I: How about your view of America’s prospect for our first female president. What about Hilary Clinton sometime in the future?

S: Forget Hilary. I’ll vote for Gwen Iffel. She’s smart, and she has lots of personality.


I: There, you see, you are capable of at least a modicum of diplomacy after all.

S: No shit! See here, diplomacy is the profession of dishonesty, and so, honest as I am, it’s a rare moment when anything diplomatic works its way out of my mouth.


I: What about Nancy Pelosi, the current Speaker of the House of Representatives?

S: Nope! I love her décolletage, but did you see her jump up and give the President a premature standing ovation when he addressed a joint meeting of Congress? She’s too eager; she looked had. Perhaps she should be renamed Marionette.


I: What is your opinion of the persistent accusation by some that President Obama was not born in the United States and is therefore constitutionally unqualified to serve as president?

S: Uhhh, well, I suppose given the speculation over a more vigorous (a JFK term) effort to pass through Congress a bill to provide reparations for Black Americans, it might be wise to have a counterweight to perch over the President’s head. What do you think?


I: You’re a schmuck! What’s your opinion about the economy?

S: I’m unemployed – f*ck off!


I: If you could give the President and First Lady a welcoming gift – a house warming gift – for their new move into the White House, what would you choose?

S: A four to eight year supply of Beehive Brand toilet paper.


I: That’s just like you, you juvenile jerk, and you just missed a great opportunity by not saying WASP Nest Brand toilet paper. It would be (bee) a mutual thing.

S: Oh yeah, Mr. Sophisticate?


I: Earlier in this interview you said America has yet to have a competent president. How so?

S: Dwight Eisenhower was president when I was born. Republican that I’m not, I feel safe in stating that he may have been the only competent president to serve during the course of my life to date.

I: Eisenhower; how’s that?

S: He proposed and initiated the building of the Interstate Highway system, albeit for military purposes. It’s useful for the general public, you know. But easily, the president I most favor is Richard Nixon, nolo contendre.


I: That was Agnew. You really are a schmuck. Why Nixon.

S: Are you kidding? Nixon was humor exhibit number one among Chief Executives. The guy (it’s okay, Michelle…) provided a laugh a minute. He was hysterical. Too bad Spiro was his V.P. It should have been Mohammud Ali; he was at least as entertaining, if not more so. And how things would have gotten done with Vice President Mo dropping by the Oval Office. Howard Cosell could have been the White House Press Secretary, and Woody Allen could have run the U.S. Public Health Service and directed the U.S. Marital Relations Board. Just think, the Waif of Jerusalem could have been named Director of the National Parks Service. Agnew was a humorless insult artist. More better Mo Ali as Nixon’s V.P.


I: Anything else?

S: Yes. You know all about the American workplace? The domination, coercion routines that go on, and the White House – in fact all of government – is undoubtedly the same, just a collection of American workplaces, so it’s easy to imagine the baloney buffet that will be served in the current White House. Remember, regardless of who ascends to the number one position in Washington, he/she didn’t get there by being a nice guy. They’re conniving, manipulating mamzerim, the whole pack.


I: Are there any specific events concerning the new president that you anticipate or to which you look forward?

S: Yes, I’d like to see the Chabad Lubavitch delegation show up at the White House to collect their annual Proclamation from the President. Wouldn’t it be nice (Beach Boys tune) if Al Sharpton were there as a doorman to let them in? I can just picture the scene.
Two Marines open the door, and there stands Al Sharpton to greet the Lubavitchers, clad in a combo three piece suit and doorman’s uniform, complete with cap, and a sticky name label on his chest that reads: Hello, my name is Mud. What a victory lap for Obama!

I: What? You’ve got to be kidding. Look, I’m trying to conduct a serious interview here, and all you can do is crack these insipid jokes? Why don’t you get yourself to Walmart already and buy yourself a brain?

S: Okay, okay, I’ll behave.

I: Fine, I’ll give you one last shot. I’m sorry Schvach, but I think you have that wrong. The door men at the White House are military; some may be Secret Service.

S: Well, perhaps in the case of the new President, they’ll be Fruit of Islam.


I: Are you nuts? Leave Farrakhan out of this, will you? You go from bad to worse.

S: No! I can’t wait for Spike Lee to make a movie about all this. The Obamafication of Washington. And why not? We had the Vietnamization of the Vietnam War; now we’re
having the Iraqi-ization of the Iraq war, so why not the Obamafication of Washington?

I: Because Obama isn’t waging war on Washington; he’s the President you dope! We’re not at war with our own president.

S: Who said we are? I’m saying that Spike makes great films.

I: Yeah. Perhaps we can get back to Mrs. Obama. Do you have anything to add?

S: Michelle? Boring, boring, boring. Didn’t she, as an undergraduate, write a thesis on the topic of Black women at an Ivy League University?

I: You should only live so long as to see the inside of an Ivy League University.

S: What a narcissist, and how unimaginative. Why not do a dissertation on an imagined shoe shopping spree with Imelda Marcos? That surely would have been worth some academic credit with some Political Science department, somewhere.

I: Shoe shopping spree?

S: Don’t complain, I could have said celiac sprue.

I: Huh? If you keep this up I’m going to get Julian Bond after you. Do you remember how he handled Gene Hackman in an interview years ago?

S: Don’t you mean James Bond?

I: You doltaholic, get a brain already! No, it wasn’t James Bond, it was Popeye Doyle of ‘The French Connection’ fame.

S: Wasn’t Hackman a Marine?

I: So?

S: So, have you ever seen the Marine Corps flick Boys in Company C, with Stan Shaw, without Gene Hackman? Shaw’s role became a bit of Black civil rights heroics and served as the paradigm, I think, of much of what goes on in the American workplace today.

I: That again? Is that bad?

S: That depends on what you mean by the word ‘is’. Okay, I’ll cut it out. That depends on what you like about work. One man’s heroics is another man’s harassment. How do you feel about the American workplace?


I: Hey, I’m asking the questions around here.

S: What’s the matter, don’t you like playing trading places games? Really, how do you feel at work? Harassed? Coerced? Subjugated? Do you like going to work?


I: No way! If I answer that one I’ll never work again.

S: You too?


I: To conclude, how would you sum up your general philosophy of the state of the world, life, etc?

S: Life stinks, then one dies.

I: Is that the best you can do?

S: Alright, but just for you: Buy low, sell high.

I: Laid off my ass. You're fired!

Gallows Humor from Mr. Mark
by: SchvachYid

That’s Jonathon Mark, author of the Route 17 blog of The New York Jewish Week,

Jerry meets Yehuda on a kibbutz. Working alongside each other, Jerry notices Yehuda’s numbers — 7416, memorable because they were the last four digits of Jerry’s social security number. Years later, Jerry is a tour guide for Americans in Israel. He meets a particularly difficult client who breaks down and explains his sorry life, “everyone was killed except for me.” He rolls up his sleeve — 7417. The American whispers, “number 7416 is very much alive and I know where he can be found.”

I didn’t say it’s funny, just humor.

Fun and Games at Someone Else’s Corral
by: SchvachYid

Have you ever seen a duck beat up a dog? I have. I know a couple with a large house. They have a large backyard to match. The house and backyard sit along a canal. The canal is infested with ducks - large, ugly ducks. Sorry, I know ducks have a very positive image, but these ducks are from hunger, and I think they know it. They look like a hybrid between a more conventional species of duck and a turkey. Imagine a duck with the face of a turkey. Ugly! And big; much larger than an everyday, run of the mill duck.

The ducks help themselves to everyone’s property. They’re all over the place. One of the couple’s dogs, a breed that’s a cross between a Chihuahua and a Papillion, took exception to the intrusion of one of the ducks into ‘his’ backyard, and decided to matters into his own muzzle.

Gavalt! The duck grabbed the canine with its bill and proceeded to beat the pooch with its wings. The pooch was just a pup. Dummy. The dog yelped and screamed. What a scene - it could have been of Mohammed Ali attending a Shalom Zachor.

Once the duck had had enough, it let the dog go, jumped into the water (I’m glad it didn’t take the pooch with him), and proceeded to very nonchalantly clean itself free of doggy contaminant. What a champ. Yech!

The large backyard that sits along a canal has a pier that leads to a boat gazebo. The couple had a young visitor who likes to fish, so I fished with him. He caught a catfish (not kosher). The catfish managed to just about swallow the lure. There we were, the three of us, the kid and me attempting to free the lure from the fish’s mouth - and an alligator. Wonderful!

An alligator had decided to establish its territory in the canal off the couple’s house. Large ducks evidently serve as a gustatory attraction, even if it is for members of a ‘lower’ evolutionary caste.

The reptile decided that lunchtime was in order and, evidently tired of feathers, chose instead to inform us of his appetite. It swam under the pier immediately beneath our feet.
We saw it coming, and not too slowly, nostrils and eyes peeping just above the waterline.
Fun!

Have you ever stood 5 or 6 inches above a patrolling alligator with its intended meal in your hands? Dogs and alligators invoke different protocols for begging for food. Perhaps we were its intended meal. I tend to function under the conviction that I was not born to serve as a reptile’s shachita.

I immediately recalled my penchant for panic, cut the fishing line, and tossed the gasping catfish into the water, besides which catfish are not fun fish to handle. It's good to be rid of a catfish. Catfish have very large, and effective, spines located along their dosal and pectoral fins. Bye bye catfish. Bye bye alligator.

I appreciate the fact that alligators are not adept climbers.

Jewish Bigotry and Jewish Pain
by: Schvach Yid



One of my favored peeves is Jewish bigotry; you know, the sort of stupid things some (or many) of us say or do to insult members of other groups. Face it, there're a lot of jackasses in the Jewish community.

Here I go: once upon a time I was acquainted with a Jewish female medical student. One fine day she passed a Chinese-American classmate (I was there) and let loose with her impromptu impersonation of Chinese people.

Here’s another: once upon a time I was sitting in the break room at work. Two graduate students were present. One was Jewish – red hair, blue eyes, body builder’s bod; the other was/looked (what I like to label) ‘Pacific Rim Asian’ – no offense intended. The Jewish student sidled up to the other student and let loose with a comment about ‘Chinese people’ and ‘chop sticks’. The recipient of this remark very slyly returned the rude remark with a grin and intoned, ‘I wouldn’t know, I’m American and my parents are Korean’.

There’s a reason G-d created the word 'schmuck’!

Same work place, different student. She’s Jewish. Whenever we bumped into each other at lunch and sat together, the conversation would invariably turn to Jewish matters. One day she announced, “Judaism, who needs that ‘shit’”. Some months later she approached me in the same break room and, with a giant grin on her face, informed me that she had converted to Catholicism, ‘And I love it’.

Okay. Why bother to bring up the subject? Because her parents were Jewish, and divorced. She moaned about the divorce frequently. She was fifteen years old when the ‘fit hit the shan’. Had her folks been devout Catholics, they might not have divorced, out of religious conviction, and, so she probably reasoned, she would have been spared what she considered to be the tragedy of her life.

I’ve bumped into her on rare occasions since. Nothing seems to have changed; certainly, she doesn’t seem any happier.

Jadies and Jents, have you taken a good look at the JBlogosphere? Have you read any of the personal profiles, as in ‘About Me – View my complete profile’? Have you read any Jewish blogs in which the writers scream in pain? Often these offerings are disguised as bravura, especially the ones who post about dating. The singles in their thirties and forties, the single parents who dare the reader to see the humor in a humorless life, the amateur literary pugilists who waste their adult lives chasing their tails, searching for the right solution to a clueless existence. The answer, they convince themselves, is career.

Horse baloney! The career doesn’t help. They’re groping at perfection when perfection is indefinable. Competition? You won? Mazel tov! Now what? You’re still miserable. Well, at least you don’t have to hang you head in shame in synagogue over your occupation, but over the absence of a family…?

What’s the answer? Who knows? It’s not buying a new pair of shoes - that fix fixes nothing.

I think, perhaps, the Aybischter created the coccyx as a tease. We have a backside that hides a very truncated tail – like dogs with docked tails. Doberman Pinchers are the clueless recipients of docked tails, received at the hands of their breeders. That breed of dog can be vicious, usually (I think) when they are deliberately trained to be.

Happiness doesn’t come from training. It comes, in part, from acceptance – of the mutual variety. The assertive competitive schtick has its limitations, but regrettably, in our society, I think most of us have been indoctrinated in little else. Just try to find someone to like you.

And so my fellow Yiddin, I wish us much luck, and remember, according to the Chinese calendar that New Year will bring in the Year of the Ox. Let’s not make it the year of the boor.

Madeline Kahn, Wo Bist Du?
by: Schvach Yid

I have more than just a few things in common with my dearly loved and departed
maternal grandmother, aka ‘Oma’, primary among which is/was our shared admiration
of Marlene Dietrich (and I'm not even into blondes!). So without any further ado, here
she is (no, not my Oma):







And for your continued entertainment pleasure, here is the late, great Kahn (no, not the just late, great Ricardo Montalban– he was great too!) with her impersonation of Marlene Dietrich – don’t you just love it?

Nameless, Faceless
By: Schvach Yid

It’s the name of a blog site, author unknown and unseen. She just posted a bit about her personal schtick with her daddy to be accessed at:
http://shesnamelessfaceless.blogspot.com/2009/01/its-happening-again.html#comment-form

It has rung oh-so-true with me, so here’s my comment:

So what's the problem you're currently facing; some dilemma is irking you? Do you anticipate having your face kung fu'd? Have you discovered 'daddy' in another, and are you drawn to recruiting him/her into your life, certain that you'll live to regret it?

Our problem is that we love our abusers. We will do anything to defend them. We nurture them by giving them all the fodder they want, all the rope they need to hang us. It’s called fear. G-d forbid he should do anything else to us, and let’s not provoke the monster by complaining, so just fluff the freak.

Back in the old days, on my first job as a nurse, I provided care for a ‘kidney patient’.
Her husband was a brutish bully of a man – a vending machine-sized factory worker with a quick temper and the physical strength to back it up. One fine day he arrived on the nursing unit to visit his wife with the older of his two daughters. He wouldn’t let her out of his sight.

As daddy and daughter left at the end of their visit, he slipped his arm around his daughter’s waist; she, as if answering, rubbed her hip against him. Bang! Father and daughter my foot, they looked like a guy and his date. Daddy was f*cking his daughter!

I kept my big mouth shut; my co-nurses were gossiping idiots who hated my guts. They would have gone straight to the guy, and he, no doubt, would have decimated me.

Perhaps half a year later a lengthy article appeared in The Sunday New York Times Magazine, reporting that the daughter had recruited a high school classmate to kill her father, and kill him he did, with a single round from a .22 rifle. The beef – he had helped himself to her on a regular basis, and had ‘moved on’ to her 8 year old (I think) sister.

The psycho-chozer.

Unlike you, I loathe my father. He’s now non compos mentis, having suffered a stroke, two closed head injuries, and advancing senility – and I can’t manage to muster one grain
of rachmonis for him. He never put me through a glass door, never slammed me against anything, but the sound of his voice horrified me, not to mention the emotional effect of hearing the sound of loose change and keys jangling in his pants pocket as he approached from a distance. As kids, when we came home in a good mood with smiles on our faces, my father was expert at wiping the smiles off our faces and instantaneously hurling us into an emotional depression within seconds of discovering our glee.

He never straightened out; he could never accept us as adults. His abused continued to include my bother’s children. Thank G-d they live 1,500 miles away and only saw my father once or twice a year.

Face it. With a healthy brain he was a first class son-of-a bitch. Not that he didn’t have problems of his own (he grew up as a Jew in Germany under the ascendancy of the Nazis, not to mention his SOB family). Still, the responsibilities of parenthood….

So, whoever you are, please take stock. The world is filled with injured people - you, me, her, him, them. Thank G-d you’re bright – very bright – and sensitive. Be assured, the pain will never go away.